ME, THE WRITER

por Alison Calderón-López

I think it’s better not knowing the truth than actually knowing. I know this is a reach but just hear me out. If you know the truth, you are left thinking a bunch of questions of how and why it happened.That’s not very good right? Exactly my point. If I’m being honest, I’m just better left not knowing at all then being kept awake at night by my own thoughts. And if I do know the truth, I want to know everything, not just a half truth but the whole truth. I recently watched a movie called “Flipped” and it had a meaningful saying about the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. I think that it’s very true because although when it is just the parts, it’s nice, but when you look at it as a whole it becomes mesmerizing and fun to look back at. Although, it’s not good when these parts are bad and then when you finally realize the greater picture, it makes you feel overwhelmed or just overall dumb. I like to believe if something isn’t the way you want, then it’s just better to leave it alone. This is only specific to people. If it’s something changeable like for example a drawing where if you make a mistake then you can just erase it and pretend it didn’t happen, whereas a person you can’t really do that, because if you make a mistake you can’t just really take it back. That part makes me mad because although I forgive someone for something they did to me, it seems like I can’t just seem to get it out of my head, it’s just stuck there and can’t be removed unless I move on from it. Speaking of which, I never move on. I just tell myself that I could be going through way worse and that’s usually my way of coping, which is definitely not healthy at all, but if it works then it works. There’s a line in a song called “A BOY IS A GUN*” by Tyler The Creator that really sticks out and means a lot to me: “How come you’re the best to me? I know you’re the worst for me.” It has a lot of meaning because this can relate to so many situations. Something that’s hard that no one talks about is letting go of people that you know aren’t good for you. Now that right there is probably the top three most hardest things to do. I hate it. Yes I know hate is a strong word but the feeling of anger and just how it makes you feel so dumb for not noticing it before is enraging. The anger I feel for not being able to tell before, gets to me. It makes me have absolutely feral mood swings. I could be daydreaming about how it was so wonderful and then next second I am overwhelmed with anger, and by the next I’m crying about how I just don’t feel like I am good enough. Something that I truly hope no one goes through is getting used by someone you thought you could trust. That alone will break you, no matter how strong you think you are. One thing I noticed today was that no one really talks about how parents’ trauma affects them and makes them who they are as a person. For example, if someone had a childhood where they didn’t have anything, that probably makes them strive for more when they already have enough. I feel like it’s so much harder for them to open up especially if they are trying to open up to their kids. My mom told me that when that happens as they are telling their traumas is that they relive it in their head everytime they talk about it. It makes me feel some type of way because I don’t want to cause them any extra pain by asking what happened, but then again what if they can’t bottle it up anymore? I want to be there for them and I want them to talk to me about what is troubling them. I want to help and I always will. I want to be like a complementary color. Having a color that just matches with me and looks good with me. I mean it. I want to be like blue and orange. The way they’re just complete opposites but go along so well. That’s what’s beautiful. Music. I love music. The way it switches your mood is crazy and that’s why I love it. Because even if I feel horrible, I can feel great or I can feel however I want to feel. I get to control my thoughts and emotions with music. Also they’re just lyrics that can say more than I could ever. They help me express things that are hard for me to say. I love it, and I always will. Overthinking is a very bad habit of mine and it will forever be my worst habit. I overthink at least once a day and I think that’s pretty normal because if I overthink the stupidest things then that means you do too, right? It gets worse when I’m doing something I know I am naturally good at. It makes me feel like I won’t ever get it right the first time or that I won’t be able to fix it. I know that I will fix whatever I messed up but once I mess up for the second time I’m over with. As I’m writing this I genuinely feel that someone will get how I feel and just for a second think of how they aren’t alone. I want them to know they aren’t crazy. I dont like when people say that writing is boring or that it’s dumb because truly that’s not the case. I think they just don’t know how to express themselves through words or sentences. I know that once they know the exact words they wanna say they’ll absolutely love it as much as i do. But hopefully they don’t develop the bad habit that I have, which is only being able to write about my emotions. Not that it’s bad but I just rely on it way too much. It’s like I’m only a good writer if I bottle up all my emotions and spill it all on this computer or notebook. I also love doing that though, because even if I can’t talk about it with people, I can just write it by myself with my music playing through my airpods. 

I also love the fact that I write what I think so yes if you’re thinking no way her fingers are typing what she’s thinking at this exact moment (you probably aren’t thinking this) but believe it or not, I am. I haven’t stopped for about twenty some minutes which is probably a lot but I don’t think so. Something I had realized months ago is that I really need to stop caring so much about what others and myself think. Because if you really think about it, no one cares what you do. It’s a free world and it most likely is very freeing once you stop giving too much thought to what you do. I feel like I have written almost everything I feel but not quite yet. Feeling real. I have this thing where I don’t feel real sometimes. It gets really bad sometimes and I have panic attacks. It’s not fun and I don’t like it at all, I despise it. That’s a struggle I go through and I can’t help it. Things that can trigger it, is if I’m with some random people I don’t even know. I just start thinking about how it’s really crazy that each single person has their own thoughts, lives, problems, and how they’re alive. It troubles me to think that I’ll see them one time and I won’t ever remember seeing them at all. You’re probably thinking that yeah obviously I won’t remember them, well yeah I know that but when you’re in the heat of the moment that thought is pretty overwhelming. Something I do to get over it is by just talking to people because if they respond back then I can just distract myself and then boom it’s done, I’m back to normal.Okay, now I definitely ran out of things to say but honestly I don’t think this will get published but if it does then I’m okay with it. Although a story is supposed to have a plot or theme to it, sadly this doesn’t so if you read up to here then I really am surprised because throughout the whole time I was writing, I felt like I was ranting. That doesn’t matter though because I love being real but I think I was a little too real writing this which is a scary thought. My current thought process right now is what people will think of this, or if they think this is boring or something. Most times you just have to take the risk and just go with it, take a leap of faith you know. My dad always had this saying of being someone in life, his exact words are “Debes de ser alguien en la vida. Estás aquí porque debes de ser algo con ti misma. Debes ser alguien en la vida.” So that’s what I’m doing, I will be someone, and hopefully I can be someone who impacted you, the reader.